Letting on or Letting Go – The Leech

I know this isn’t the first time I’ve been betrayed nor will it be the last I’m sure … hell I had a couple not so nice boyfriends in the past … but friends are different. They hurt in the “you never see it coming” kind of way-

Boyfriends come and go, but friendships are forever …. …………..Bros before Hoes ……………………..Chicks before Dicks

As terrible as it may sound, boyfriends usually enter with an immediate guilty till proven innocent tag line and even with years of loyalty can so easily be branded untrustworthy with the right stare at the wrong object or a lingering conversation. Yet a friend I find you give instant access to your confidence. You divulge intimate secrets and unbelievable trust at the first chance of wine and words and the discovery of commonality. I love shootin’ the shit with a friend about this guy or that girl, life choices, future trips we’ll take together, naughty inhibitions and recounts, memories of the past, old boyfriends, one night stands, all we’ve learned-

I guess maybe that’s why this whole thing with her has been so hard. I really trusted her. And I believed all her apologies, I was the sucker in her admissions of regret…

Leech.

What is right is often forgotten by what is convenient. To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice. ~Bodie Thoene, Warsaw Requiem~Confucius

All friends don’t have these self-serving tendencies – this I know. But I’ve always trusted too easily even after I’ve been burned. I’m the first one to jump on the “I love you, let’s be best friends” ship and I feel the same gut wrenching disappointment and sadness when it blows up in my face each and every time.

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour. ~Japanese Proverb

But I find my faith in people keeps me from being cynical toward the masses. (I even had to look up how to spell the word…it’s not synicle fyi). I just don’t like the idea of not believing in people – life can be so much better than that, so much more when you mix your own batter with that of a stranger. And sure you’re gonna be hurt by bad people and betrayed and taken for granted – but it’s like the pit bull that bites you … do you now hate all pit bulls?? No, but you’re just a little weary of the next one you meet! Perhaps my problem is I’m not weary enough – I’m not learning my lesson … Instead I dive right into the doghouse with all of them and cry when another bites me. Glutton for punishment? Perhaps??

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again – and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. ~Mark Twain, 1897

So I watched the Sex and the City movie recently and it really tugged at those friendship heartstrings. These women were so there for one another through life’s most devastating occurrences – When Carrie’s says “he’s not coming” after Big called off the wedding, my heart dropped and when she cried, “get me out of here!” Wow! I actually felt her pain in the depths of my heart!

In the abyss that has been my faith in friendships recently I had an epiphany. Through great betrayal you can more clearly see the great loyalty that is around you. Bad friends are a great spotlight to the good ones.

Friendship is a warm comfort you weren’t born into but were lucky to find – I have really leaned on my friends these last few weeks – ALOT more than I normally do. 90% of my friendships with people involve me listening to their tribulations and helping them see the silver lining in their problems and the dawn of their new and better days ahead. These last two months have NOT been that way. The tables have turned and I feel needy and very unfamiliar with this feeling of —sadness– UGH! I hate the word. It’s a waste of time… there’s is so many things in life to be grateful for, while dwell on crap –

But my inability to get over this feeling of betrayal haunts my quiet moments of solitude. It keeps sucking away how happy I am with everything else. I’m tortured with the images of past times with two people I loved dearly and possessed with an anger that just won’t subside. I’m mad at her choosing him over me…I didn’t deserve that kind of disloyalty. She sucks…

Leech.

The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. ~Red Auerbach

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I’ve always had a tough time letting friends go … I’ve had friends be leeches their whole life and I just let them suck. I keep a hope for their own epiphany that the friendship I offer is hard to come by. I won’t lie to you, I’ll tell you like it is, I won’t betray you, if you cry for help, I will find you. Those qualities seem to loose their luster with each new generation while more value is held in the drama of treachery and deceit–

—the reality tv era!

Strong morals aren’t gifts anymore, they are weakness, flaws of the caring man to be drained by the self-serving leech you dare let into your heart.

Am I whining … sure … and I understand times changes, people changes, things happen…but it is in the face of a decision that your character is defined and written in the stone that is your life. I’ve shed a lot of tears on the stone of my old friend for what she did. But I have to let it go … I’m waiting for that “time heals all wounds” thing to kick in — impatiently, as usual, I wait.

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell

I still feel so blessed to have gone through all this heartache because it made me see how wonderful my other friends are. Lauren, Karina, Mike, Tony, Naldo, even Willy and many more who have stopped everything to let me know they love me and appreciate me as their friend – perhaps it’s those instances of friendship I find it worth the risk of feeling how I feel now. Not everyone is a back-stabber … and thus you shouldn’t judge the lot by the actions of a few.

Lauren says, “Gail,you keep asking me how she could do this given all the times you were there for her ….give me one time she was there for you…. just one time”

Silence proved her point.

Leech Let Go.

Sorrows of the soul must be grieved to fade
paying prices forever only leaves a life in shame.
The choice is clear, but you hold too dear
to your brokenness and its familiar chains.

New journey’s begin with the same step of courage
by those who have come to know
that before you can stand and manage to move on
you must first decide to ‘let go.

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~ by g2 on November 4, 2008.

6 Responses to “Letting on or Letting Go – The Leech”

  1. Wow, I was quoted. I like that.

    Dude, there is nothing wrong with using up your 10% of neediness all in one month. I have faith you won’t need it again for a while. It gets easier the more crap you clean out of your life. Think of it as “Spring cleaning”, even though it’s Fall:-)

  2. Gail –

    I don’t think I have seen you since high school or even spoken to you other than through “my space” or “facebook” – SAD I know, but reading this made me cry!! I don’t know what happened or with who it happened (and from the way it sounds I don’t want to know them!), but whoever “they” are, they are now missing out on a friendship with an amazing person! Someone who obviously ALWAYS gives and never asks for anything in return!

    Why would “she” do this to me when I have always been there for her???? Because she doesn’t value people and friendships the way you do!!

    Lauren is right – the more crap you clean out of your life, the less crap you have to deal with!

    Stay Strong!!!

    XOXO
    Shannon

  3. I haven’t been through what your going through, but my opinion on this is that you “HAD” a friend that obviously wants to be in your shoes, wants to be like you, in probably many different ways, and because she hasn’t been able to do so.. she chose the sluttiest way out… It’s obviously easier for her to be a bitch , then to be a true friend! that’s probably why she chose to be with your ex … and as for the EX… don’t worry.. he’ll get what’s coming to him! Actually wait.. ..he already got what’s coming to him.. a person that is not trustworthy , a person that’s able to LIE to their close friend , a person that isn’t who she says she is and a person that is obviously F*cked up in the head!!
    Someone that is able to do this to a FRIEND.. was obviously NEVER A FRIEND AT ALL!! She can keep that CHICKEN SHIT ex of yours (whose probably just dating your ex friend because he was unable to match what he HAD….(You)
    So don’t worry Gail!… You will have the last laugh! …If I were you.. I would actually already be LAUGHING! Because we all know where that relationship is headed!! Who knows… you might even see them on Jerry Springer one day! ahaha

  4. Dito…

  5. That’s why I’m a lesbian. Men suck

  6. Knowledge is gain when pain is gain. Wisdom is gain when one learns from pain.

    The bright side to the situation is it shines a light to your true friends. And you gain more insight and clarity into your personal life.

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